Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
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Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
One time someone broke up with me 26 hours after getting their first pair of glasses.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
The world’s oldest person has died. Now they’ll be looking for a replacement, but if you’re offered the job, turn it down. It’s highly dangerous and there are way too many fatalities.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
