Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
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Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
🤔😂😂
“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.