Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
You Might Also Like
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
I never had kids because little kids see too many ghosts and that’s something I’d rather not know about
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
“Be careful. That ice is slippery” – Everyone after you slip on ice.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Always 🥴
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Most intimate spam text i’ve ever received
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare