Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
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*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied