Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
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Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Told my 18yo we’re out of mac’n’cheese, so he’d have to do something else for lunch for once. He says, “I’ll just break into my personal stash.” Goes into his room, rummages around, comes out with two boxes of Annie’s mac’n’cheese.
?????
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
I’M CRYINGGG
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
live footage of daylight savings taking the sun away at 4pm
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
Lazy? More like “selective participant” am I right?
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer