Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.

If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper

Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.

Me: In the grand scheme of things nothing really matters. We are dust in the wind. An ethereal speck in the wonder of time.
Boss: I’m still going to need you to come to work on time.

friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM and

me:
I’m already out.

therapist: what’s on your mind

me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with

The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.

“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”

My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…

~Only 15 more to go!!

Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it

Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so

*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*

Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.

If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.

If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.

all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second

If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?

Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.

kid: 5 more minutes

dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime

Obituaries should have clickbait titles

Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.

velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery

scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery

*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*

I’m currently on a really effective diet called “I only have twenty dollars until payday”.

Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.

does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?

“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….

Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer

I need to know the brand of toothbrush my neighbor has. I hear it buzzing sometimes an hour at a time and she’s clearly enjoying it

ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.

BOSS: I love that

ME: My fir babies

HER: Get out

If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them

taking one edible and remembering my high school locker combination then taking a second edible and forgetting how to multiply by six