Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
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Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead