BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
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Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
This week’s mood.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?