@TheAndrewNadeau

BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.

ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.

BOND: I’m a spy.

ME: You are bad at all parts of this.

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@qwertying

Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will. There’s no need to remind him every 6 months about it.

@TheHyyyype

WIFE: what the hell happened here?

ME: i broke an egg

[earlier]

ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit

@Darlainky

I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.

@SamInspired

Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.

Universe: Hold my beer.

@MableGertrude

No one cared about leaving children in cars when I was young. I lived in the back of an old Buick with a pack of wild dogs until I was 9.

@captainkalvis

[my dog runs up to me, bone in his mouth]
you better stop bringing these back, we’ve got like 200 more to dispose of

@Tobi_Is_Fab

That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.

@nyquills

[Pokémon Pitch]

Writer: pet training with wild animals

Exec: thats already a thing

Writer: kids are the trainers

Exec: seems irresponsible

Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something

Exec: why

Writer: unclear

Exec: tight