Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will. There’s no need to remind him every 6 months about it.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
You Might Also Like
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
No one cared about leaving children in cars when I was young. I lived in the back of an old Buick with a pack of wild dogs until I was 9.
[my dog runs up to me, bone in his mouth]
you better stop bringing these back, we’ve got like 200 more to dispose of
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something