Bond. Trauma bond.
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Just realized that the baby is almost 20 years old so it’s probably time I stop saying I need to lose the baby weight.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
there was another, tinier cement truck inside
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
I’d love this…lol
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
growing up there was a cody in every elementary school class but as an adult i haven’t met a cody in years. where did they go
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
men are simple creatures