Bond. Trauma bond.
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Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
Me: May I see your report card?
Grandson: I don’t have it.
Me: Why not?
Gs: I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back