Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers

Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”

Ian: “What makes you say that?”

Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”

Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.

Dracula: Vhere? Here?

Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.

Dracula: Here?

Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..

Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??

Olympic athlete: *does something unbelievable*

Announcer: That’s incredible! It’s too bad her father fell down a well 15 years ago

You can now get 100% accurate weather information direct to your smartphone. Simply open the camera app, take a picture of the sky then look at the image.

If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.

supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese

me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do

My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know

why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??

Just realized that the baby is almost 20 years old so it’s probably time I stop saying I need to lose the baby weight.

I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.

*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N

Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.

Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!

I stand by it

Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..

Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.

They should make the last foot of dental floss red so you know when you’re about to run out

HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN

Coach: Ice cream! My treat

Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?

Coach: My treat

I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat

Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s

Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known

jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this

j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same

This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.

KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when

[several hours later]

KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when

i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me

You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.

*baby starts crying*

I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon

President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-

[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]

That wasn’t the intercom.