Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!

– Bon Schröedi

[Lab]

Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!

Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins

You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.

[Gets shot by mugger]

Girl walks by: omg are u ok?

I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?

Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.

Me: wanna play would you rather?

Her: sure

Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house

[gutter rattles in the backyard]

Her: *narrows eyes*

We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.

Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.

If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”

Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.

Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.

(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*

uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…

How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.

Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were

having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex

Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this

a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet

”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar

[daughter going on a date]

ME: I want her back at 9

DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22

ME: you were cuter at 9

they should make a thing that holds your tweet that you typed up for 27 minutes and then sends it to you and you have to affirm you actually want to post that thing you typed up 27 mins ago

[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”

When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform

I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.

the noise i just made

Dear autocorrect,

I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.

Quit your shit.

You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier

Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.

If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.