Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead

wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*

how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer

Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”

*school is cancelled indefinitely*

My kids: Mom, why are you crying?

Santa Claus isn’t real. Ain’t no man checking a list twice

*Relationship status*

Me: I’m heading off now.

Wife: Yayyy.

It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…

Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!

I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey

me: wow that exam was easy

*gets a 53*

When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.

As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”

Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.

Poetry is my passion

PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?

Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old

Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,

Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.

I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.

Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.

ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet

VERIZON: How’d you get it wet

ME: I talked dirty to it

HIM: ……

ME: Water asshole. How else?

A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.

I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…

BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.

Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.

Might fuck around and reply “history will absolve me” to all work emails.

“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful

WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house

*our child walks in*

ME: Yeah, great job, Linda

My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow