Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
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Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.