“Boo!” — cow with a cold
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Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
Me checking my bank balance online.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
If there are ladies out there into bad boys, look no further. I’m now watching a show despite it being for mature audiences only.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Them: your little girl is such a sweetheart
Me: [knowing my kids are just like me] give it a minute
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Dollar General is too expensive for me. I’m looking for the 50 Cent Lieutenant Colonel.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it