Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.

My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.

Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios

*one of those scenarios turns out to be true

Me: I KNEW IT!

I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.

the short answer to this question

Teenager: Bae swag YOLO

Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.

{On Tinder}

ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please

Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.

Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.

*staring at a ripped hoodie from 2002*

*glances over at a pile of new hoodies*

Me: Yep, time to stitch you up again, little buddy.

Me: *considering sleeping in*

My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.

I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know

He’s a 10 but so is his volume.

Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.

I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly

Interviewer: do you have any final questions?

Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?

Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.

For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”

I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.

Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.

[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES

Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.

I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!

If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.

IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY

A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.

Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.

I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs

Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.

Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?