Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
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I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
My kid: mumma today we met our teacher’s teacher. Our grand-teacher.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
me: hi do you take walk-ins?
groundskeeper at the cemetery: what?
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
be aware when you do a search and replace in your script to change someone’s name from Chris to Ryan that suddenly your characters are going to be talking a lot about the upcoming Ryantmas season
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.