Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.

My problem areas are my upper arms & earth

Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands

If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.

very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.

You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.

My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.

The hardest things to say:

(1) I need help

(2) Worcestershire

My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.

Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.

Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]

My husband made me mad so I sent him to a store that closed a year ago to buy something they stopped making two years ago

The optimist sees the carrot.

The pessimist sees the stick.

I see the ranch dip.

ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon

white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.

me: that doesn’t make any-

woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.

people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground

A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.

starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes

My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.

Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.

You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.

“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!

Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.

* Psychic Job Fair *

Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired

87.5% of marriage is just marriag.

Judge: You have power of attorney?

Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?

Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.

Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking

Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.

Me: *applies for a loan*

*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”