Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life

Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]

I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.

If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.

WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey

A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.

I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.

My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.

In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.

“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”

My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone

Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die

One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.

oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer

I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.

A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.

I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.

me: I want to buy some drugs

dealer: are you a cop

me: would I get a discount

What’s your guide about?

Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!

Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.

Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆

#wildemount #critters #dnd

You are not your own worst enemy.

You have many more enemies.

You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know

[On date]

Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant

Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”

Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family

Getting closure is important.

*lies on bed to zip up jeans*

I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today

I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny

Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god

What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?

Impeccable.

If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.

I try not to tweet when I’m happy…because I respect you guys and what we do here.

Firing squad leader: Any last words?

Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha

Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice

I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.

I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.