BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
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Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
Cop: “License and registration please.”
*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*
Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.