Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?

I’ve reached the part of my summer where I’m excited that I’ll soon be able to stop checking my kids’s heads for ticks and go back to just checking for lice

Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag

Him: sir this is a food bank

Me: put all the broccoli in the bag

“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”

😂😂

what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am

Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷‍♀️😂

Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!

ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u

My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them

People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly

How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?

a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”

ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter

gf: i’m leaving you

me: is it because i act like i know everything?

gf: yea-

me: i knew it

Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.

Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠

IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit

[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?

Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.

Plus, I’m 35

my name if I was in the mob

Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins

Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer

[arguing w girlfriend]

Her: I feel like we have communication problems.

Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.

Think I left the oven on, better turn around

-me, leading a wagon train

Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.

Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites

Middle Earth: Yay

Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]

*walking down street with friend*

Well, this is me.

*jumps in front of bus*

Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.

As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.