Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.

I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one

Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.

6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?

so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face

My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.

If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator

“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”

-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.

Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.

love dating someone really offline because I can blatantly pass off various other people’s tweets as my own jokes

*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*

Our favorite part of fall is walking through spider webs and screaming every time. What’s yours? ⁣
⁣

*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea

Good morning.

“So how was your date?”

I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much

“That wasn’t a good idea”

Yeah well, hindsight is 1

[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]

Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?

Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?

When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.

My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.

Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.

My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.

me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.

8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.

Well shit.

Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.

In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder

*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*

Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.

Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.

Other moms: I hate summer break

Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes

[walking into a gym]

me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories

I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.

Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?

The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo

Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.