1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
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The symmetry is uncanny.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
is this because i’m from new joisey?
Them: CALL YOUR MOTHER
Me: Call her what?
I don’t mind meeting her parents. It’s her husband I have always been avoiding.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”