Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Rain]

Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes

I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.

[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT

Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.

my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely

Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:

Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeans

Disadvantages
None that I can think of

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.

Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?

[argument w/girlfriend]

HER: you know what your problem is?

ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out

Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.

People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?

Hostage: [screaming]

Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!

Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]

I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.

GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy

[meeting her parents]

ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?

I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know

My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”

“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever

Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.

*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”

MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.

I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.

[army training]

Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed

Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.

My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.

I love when you stroke my ego.

My ego is inside my panties.

Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?

Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly

Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!

inside you there are two whales, one is a whale, the other is also a whale, as mentioned previously

Friend: *checking bag* one bag

Airline: why is it so heavy

Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes