BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
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I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
My workout schedule:
1. Run half mile
2. 10 reps of 5 lb. hand weights
3. 35 year break
4. Protein shake
5. Repeat
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
me irl
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter