@WstonesOxfordSt

BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.

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@PoliUncorrect

Pharmacist: need any help?

Me: Yes, I’d like whatever Oprah was on when she gave each and every audience member a car

@Mr_Kapowski

Me: Can I bring my wife?
Travel Agent: Of course
Me: But I’m hetero. Does that matter?
Travel Agent: Do you think I’m saying Gayman Islands?

@Home_Halfway

I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.

@HatfieldAnne

Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.

@Elizasoul80

I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.

@assfro

Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.

@junejuly12

OMG the land line just rang

OMG we still have a land line

@mrmakethings

When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually

@7notyours

Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0