BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.

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Pharmacist: need any help?

Me: Yes, I’d like whatever Oprah was on when she gave each and every audience member a car


Me: Can I bring my wife?
Travel Agent: Of course
Me: But I’m hetero. Does that matter?
Travel Agent: Do you think I’m saying Gayman Islands?


I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.


Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.


I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.


Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.


OMG the land line just rang

OMG we still have a land line


When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually


Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.