BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
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pat pat
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Google Pay be like:
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now