Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

upon my death:

1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case

Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.

If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.

Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.

Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.

I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.

me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan

I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.

Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.

My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.

mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at

Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated

Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed

Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?

Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.

interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer

spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.

If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.

I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.

Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.

My husband said “I wondered where you were,” as if I ever moved more than two feet from the buffet table.

the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.

My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…

I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal

I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.

I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.

Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from

This joke is 7 years old

My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night

Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?