Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him

THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that

DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand

Scientist 1: I don’t care if you discovered it, we are not naming it THAT
Me: Naming what?
Scientist 2: You know what IT is.
Me: Ohhhh The Hugh Manatee

Scientists start rage screaming

A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time

It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.

It’s just a hobby.

Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*

[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.

Acronyms got me like WTF?

The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.

I guess she doesn’t remember me.

My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple

My fingers: so we did a thing

Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this

“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.

5 ways I am superior to a horse:

1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM

I’m not sure I believe all this stuff about genetically modified food being bad for you…

I had a tasty leg of salmon and I feel fine

Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.

I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.

I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.

HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.

Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.

When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard

My second thought is virgin wizard

The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.

This one, by a wide margin

Wanted:

Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.

No weirdos.

Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief

Bro sacrificed his freedom just for that joke

I’m afraid we’ve been misjudging everyone who surfs in a hurricane. They’ve got it right.

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory

If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.

Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.

Him: You know why.

Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*

“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”

– me, as a proctologist

me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there

me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre

Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.