Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is my emotional support knife.

When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.

I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”

ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned

VET: This is a dog

My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.

Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.

Get off of twitter and pay attention to me

Netflix, probably

I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “

*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon

soft launching your call out the next day by telling everyone at work your stomach feels a little weird

getting real sick and tired of my therapist knowing what tf he’s talking about when it comes to me and my issues.

Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.

Found this gold ring today in a garden… just to be safe I should go throw it in a fiery mountain. Gonna need 8 nerds to take a little walk with me, who’s in?

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

Me: 🎵 mama

My Mom: hi son

Me: 🎵 just killed a man

My Mom: new phone who dis

ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?

HER: I don’t even like you now

What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.

Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?

If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me

will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days

My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!

Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son

My son: say your line mummy!

Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE

The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.

I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic

Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.

Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine

You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.

*gets in taxi*

Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.

Cabbie: Where to?

Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.

Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.

Canadian up.

My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.

When a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. She will love that.

Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.