Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put

Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old

Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way

*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME

Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”

ME: this isn’t curing anything

SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds

ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it

ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?

Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.

Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!

People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.

I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either

IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?

My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.

My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.

Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.

If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.

It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.

Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.

Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred

Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain

I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.

Made friends w a child at the stingray tank at the aquarium, we were equally apprehensive ab touching the stingrays & then he said “I’ve been here before for school” & I said “wow, is it just like you remember it?” & he pointed to one specific stingray & said “yeah he was here”

The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.

[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt

I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.

Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul

My therapist: no

Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.

No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.

70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”

I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores

Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.