Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa

Adele: I set fire to Lorraine

Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone

Lorraine: Stop it

I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.

[Luxury hotel planning meeting]

Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.

Soft towels?
Definitely.

Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.

going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me

Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.

PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask

ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged

Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?

JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back

Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO

I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…

Like a playa

I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.

90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.

I’d hang this in my house.

70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.

i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying

I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.

I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears

Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?

PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.

Todd on Facebook hates being sick.

Really Todd? Most people love it.

JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT

Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER

It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this

Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.

I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook

David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.

Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-

When I face a minor setback

Interviewer: [extends arm] hello

Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello

the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds

If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.

*only works at Home Depot

If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.