Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy

if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab

Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.

Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..

I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.

my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”

Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.

Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol

Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey

Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”

At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.

Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets

There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.

My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass

I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.

Business is booming.

SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.

[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”

Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be

Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years

British cheese: We briefly scared a cow

American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine

if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years

ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.

When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines

We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.

I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.

something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean

me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?

dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.

Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.

It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.

My kid: *does something cute*

Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?

A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.

A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.

Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.

Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.