Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
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Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
Seven wives and no alcohol?
No thanks Mormons.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
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Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket