booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
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A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
I don’t think my car can fly
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.