booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
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Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Imagine you flip to a guys stream after dieing and see this
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
there are only 2 kinds of mayors: the kind you hate for ruining your city and your job and your life. and dogs
me: i heard you were talking shit about me to your mom.
my niece (who’s 12): yeah. did you want to hear it again, or did you get everything?
My patronus is a cheeseburger
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Oh boy, $150,000!
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse