booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
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lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
If you think about it, technically corn dogs are just Beef Wellington in a different tax bracket.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
ill check the nooks. you get the crannies.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
I’ve decided that I need to eat more vegetables, so I’m gonna make a carrot cake later.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?