Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
-The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.

I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.

At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts

[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes

My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.

Dumplings,

You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?

Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.

Patron: I’ll have the french toast

Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie

“Here mom, hold this.”

Translation: I own you now.

Door goes
Him: hello love is your mam or dad home?
Me: eh?
Them: I’m just going round the doors talking to people about the local election
Me: …
Him: are they in?
Me: nah sorry they’re not
*as I close the door* cos I’m 35 and they don’t live here

I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.

True statement👍😏😁

people think 👼 is the angel emoji but 🍪 is actually much closer to the biblical description

One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.

I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”

Brain: You’re getting older.

Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!

Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.

I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…

Wife: How was work?

Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into

W: I despise you

My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”

Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.

Every now and then someone comes into your life that just makes you wanna sweep the leg

I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.

Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.

Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.

Her: What?!? Children? Since when?

Me: Since I’m getting audited today.

*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!

Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.

ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.

Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.

That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.