*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
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Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
but that was my emotional support daylight
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
You look like you would fail a DNA test
Do not levitate over flowers
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these