*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
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Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.