*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
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I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Choose your fighter
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak