*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
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HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
My garden backs on to railways. About 10 years ago the fences were falling down, complained to network rail who did nothing. In the end, the whole bit of our street got together and put up new fence ourselves. 30 feet back into their land. They’ve never noticed.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
I ate a bag of Doritos and immediately followed it with half a giant bag of gummy bears and surprisingly enough I do not feel good now
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”