Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
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Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
I’ve had some terrible ideas but never “chili restaurant in an airport” bad
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.