Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
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Honey I made you some hotdog water
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
The ’90s were a time of blissful ignorance where we expected rock stars to sleep with groupies.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Wait a minute
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
Realizing that someone else will be in charge of this shitshow is really a selling point for demon possession
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
My suitcase was 1 pound overweight at bag check so i smiled sweetly at the ticket agent to get away with it… Yall that man said “idk what you doing that for… i got all my teeth too” 😂😂😂