Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
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Answers phone, makes modem noises…
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
I send people away….far…far…away (I’m a travel agent)
“Turn chicken shit into chicken salad” is a terrible saying. I still don’t wanna eat that chicken salad. It used to be chicken shit
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
My funeral better have a fkn merch table
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
The hardest part about people walking into my office, is convincing them that I have a cat when they spot the litter box.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
#SuperBowl
just detonated a tiny nuclear device at my buddy’s house as a prank. scientists say his rumpus room will be uninhabitable for 600 years
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
hi why am I like this
Went fishing and actually caught a fish. So now I gotta deal with this shit
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.