Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.

An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.

I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.

I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth

grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER

Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme

I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.

Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.

When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.

Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”

[Calling the police]

“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”

“Stay calm.”

“Yes, that’s him!”

An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.

[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)

I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.

I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes

Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.

My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.

I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.

I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..

H- you’d better get to a doctor

Me: It hasn’t even been a full day

H: what? It’s been two days

Me: how do you figure?

H: today and yesterday

Me:

Dental Hygenist: can I ask a question?

Me: You’ve had your fingers in my mouth for 15 minutes, ask whatever you want

She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.

– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:

I’m writing a book of obitchuaries for all the people who are dead to me

People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.

Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.

I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.

my mother is staying with me for about a week, and i’m going to be honest, i didn’t even know the volume on my television went that high

“My safe word was Worcestershire.”

— A ghost

His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”

Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job

Willy Wonka: