Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?

Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*

I’m not embarrassed.

I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.

(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)

My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro

I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”

Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.

Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”

Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”

Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”

Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔

Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.

Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.

“At your cervix, m’lady”

– me as an OBGYN and also just me

A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.

4 a.m.

9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE

daddy: mine’s just starting

58.

Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you

I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.

you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.

Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.

I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:

– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from

I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st

people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.

why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”

A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars

Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.

My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…

“Hold my rice cake”

The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.

When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!

There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.

When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo

I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.

cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉

me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”

cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”

me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”

❤️🦆

Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?

At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.