Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out

My mom used to beat me with a camera.

I still get flashbacks.

[solicitor reading my will]

“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],

He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.

“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road

They should invent a self-checkout where someone else scans the items and puts them in a bag.

I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.

I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza

[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.

Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.

*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*

My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout

I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.

The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.

Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…

Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.

Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.

The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.

That worked out so much differently in my head.

– an autobiography

People: cheer up, things could be worse

Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how

I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.

[hospital]

“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”

WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS

DAD: I’M UP

“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”

folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah

Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.

Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ

[interview]

THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?

ME: thank you.

I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”

angel: they seem to be doing well

God: give them more diseases

angel: is that really necess-

God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla

A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.

Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.

*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*

Me: what?

My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”

9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad