@GABBYdaAngSaya

[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is

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@iamburtjarvis

[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]

other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard

harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT

@tsm560

I feel like I’m always on the outside looking in… and great the cops are here again.

@clichedout

me: I have a phobia of very large numbers

therapist: I can help u

me: thanks a twelve

@kelkulus

Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.

@EmAsInMoney

Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”

And then they eat all your fries.

@Jmboyd58

*while scrolling Facebook

I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!

*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”

@karanbirtinna

One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.

@tarashoe

ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head

@AndyAsAdjective

[on the phone]

ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?

DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis

ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis

@Madame_Royale

I’m in so much trouble. My twitter crush found out about my boyfriend and now they’re both on their way to tell my husbands.