Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is

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[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]

other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard

harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT


I feel like I’m always on the outside looking in… and great the cops are here again.


me: I have a phobia of very large numbers

therapist: I can help u

me: thanks a twelve


Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.


Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”

And then they eat all your fries.


*while scrolling Facebook

I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!

*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”


One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.


ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head


[on the phone]

ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?

DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis

ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis


I’m in so much trouble. My twitter crush found out about my boyfriend and now they’re both on their way to tell my husbands.