[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
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It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.