Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
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A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
10am: thinking roast chicken dinner with some steamed veggie’s and a baked potato.
5pm: ☎️ Can I get a large meat lovers pizza please
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
This is Ethel. She is minding her own business. And her neighbor’s business. It’s called multitasking. 13/10
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING