Boom, boom, ching!
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The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
the short answer to this question
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
This sounds bad:
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
found this cool rock hiking today
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…