[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
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Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
Yes, but it was never about money
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
is nasa ok
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕