We're redesigning Funny Tweeter. Your feedback is always welcome. Talk to us at @funTweeters
@Eightinchgoat: Boom! You're pregnant!
-Me, speed dating
@roostermustache: Me: if u take an opinion and subtract 3.14, you're just left with onion. pretty crazy huh
Girl at the bar im flirting with: *takes 9 shots*
@CheryeDavis: Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
@dafloydsta: [getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
@liv_thatsme: I never pay for pizza delivery. I always just say something weird like "I got this for us," & before I know it, they're speeding away.
@Black__Elvis: If I had a daughter I wouldn't waste money on training bras, I'd trap wild bras and train them myself like our ancestors did.