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@Eightinchgoat: Boom! You're pregnant!
-Me, speed dating
@gaynorlsimpson: How to stop an unwanted DM.
Hi, how are you?
Me: Well, my ex has me on a wanted list because I'm a psychotic cow, how are you?
@aka_fatman: Chief: You're the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son's crib* Uhhhhh....
@SJSchauer: Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I'd like to eat them--
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ'ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
@crlockha: I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
@Nahdude83: I was thinking about robbing this sperm bank, but I think they've already seen me coming.