During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
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[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.