Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.

My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.

Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.

Who would have thought that eating 4 cans of beans would backfire like this?

Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car

Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?

Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.

A career website for plumbers called sinkedin

Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?

I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”

judge: your word is meaningless.

me: meaningless. m-e-a-

lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.

i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities

My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.

“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”

– Joan of Arc

First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.

Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠

[Boiling in a pot]

Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!

Girl lobster: I’m cold

I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.

[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?

what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait

Taze me once, shame on you; taze me twice, I’ve snuck back into the zoo

Show me your pushy.

– Sean Connery shext

Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.

Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.

Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*

Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.

The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look

The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.

God: How’s it going on Earth

Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream

God: Send a flood. Send several floods