Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.

Now I just hate yours.

My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.

Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.

I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.

I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.

Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder

Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.

Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.

Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.

I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.

It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.

Kid: Are you the babysitter?

Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!

Kid: *horrified*

I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…

According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”

Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.

I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.

My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.

A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.

Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.

You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.

Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.

Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.

me: =)

dentist: we have to remove some teeth

me: =;

She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.

Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*

Stan: A power cut.

Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?

Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*

Me: yes.

I’m pretending to be a hot girl on Tinder so I can match with my roomate and tell him I’m coming over so he’ll clean the apartment.

a depressed madame curie is a sighentist.

[at the top of mt everest]

friend: i can’t believe we did it!

me: i know!

friend: what do you think of the view?

me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.

My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out

If the line takes more than 5 minutes at the grocery store the candy beside the checkout aisle should be free.

Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”

If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.