Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
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Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Hacker: Give us your password or else
30 minutes later…
Me: OK, now try 1987 and three exclamation points
Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
They should invent something in between cappuccino & narcotics.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,