boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
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If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
My teenage children choosing violence
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
[When my kids have ignored my text for 2 hours]
Me: I would appreciate a reply, please.
[When I have ignored my kids’ texts for more than 5 seconds]
Kids:
hello??
??
??
???
pls
plss
wya
??
???
BRO
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that