Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
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4 yo: “Miss Katie, when you were a baby did your parents die and leave you alone?”
My friend: “Sorry, they watched Annie yesterday.”
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Peter Pan’s favorite place to eat out is Wendy’s.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
The A string on my guit_r is flat
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help