Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”

“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”

-My 4yo inventing orange soda

My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.

I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”

The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.

Wife: Good morning handsome

Me: Hi

Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you

Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?

Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again

Me: There it is

#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.

FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it

FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok

I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.

[Wizard Starbucks]

Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron

Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!

american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere

Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars

Therapist: That’s unsettling

Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite

Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.

I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.

I call it my trampoline stamp.

Him: The last couple of years have been tough.

Me: Tell me about it!

Him: Well, two years ago I…

Me: Don’t really, though.

If someone starts a sentence with “Words can’t express,” brace yourself, because they’re about to give it a hell of a try anyway!

My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.

I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.

[being murdered]

Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*

Me: *becomes even more alive*

Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.

When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.

[harry potter, college edition]

Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-

Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already

Voldemort: wh-what

Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications

Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind

We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.

Always a metermaid never a meter

What do we want?
“More existentialist jokes!”
When do we want them?
“Why?”

[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.

Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.

Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.

Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.

Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”

Genie:

I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.