Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.

ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt

ME: thanks i worked really hard on it

cat: *unresponsive*

bartender: get this catatonic

DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*

WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!

ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!

I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.

Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.

I still like to cuddle though.

At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”

I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?

[on the sixth question in two minutes]

4: what does “not” mean

me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.

4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.

The 6 types of sex

6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?

11: Post Melon

6:

Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys

My mom was a little overprotective. She made me wear a helmet every time I rode my bike. It was an exercise bike and I was 19, but hey, her house, her rules.

me: this glass is too small

bartender: would you prefer a tumbler

me: yes

acrobat: what can I get you

If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.

Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….

Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”

Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.

Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.

I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap

Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.

I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.

Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.

Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.

Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?

Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool

Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?

Superman:

Lois: Are you crying?

see something (a little dog on a walk) say something (“why hello to you little sir”)

Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.

My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.

Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.

cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55

me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha

cop: sure whatever

[later in traffic court]

judge: how were you going 420 in a 55

me: [typing] donkey kong

fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it

me: donkey kong no tie

fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down