Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
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Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
wet food twice a day is wreaking havoc on the spoon economy in this household
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
“The lights are on but nobody’s home” is such a brutal way to say somebody’s dumb 😭😭😭😭😭
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
My purse is deeper than some people.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!