A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
You Might Also Like
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.