Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
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Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
What flavor cupcake are these
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Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
I just love that new Pope smell.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?