Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
You Might Also Like
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
This is always good for a laugh.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.