Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
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Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
the last time how i met your mother was on netflix i binge watched it instead of going to class and almost got kicked out of college. its dangerous! beware!
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
We are a nation of people who queue, and who know and respect the rules of queuing. This of course goes out the window when we hear “we are opening till number 4”
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today