Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.

Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?

Me: Yeah, so?

Him: There’s one small piece left.

Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.

wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english

Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.

whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro

Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”

I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed

one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”

To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…

Somebody has to say it.

GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.

Are you tired of having a great friendship?

Ruin it with Sex™

*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*

I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you

me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?

son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn

that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.

Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.

My clothes don’t fit anymore.

There’s only one possibly explanation.

America is shrinking my clothes.

Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.

The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me

Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.

Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!

Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.

Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.

My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.

Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?

There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.

I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective

Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”

“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance

Siri: Retweet me.

FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swear

ME: is it your liver & kidneys?

i bet it’s your liver & kidneys