Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
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Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
when movies add that accordion music to scenes set in Paris, they’re actually trying to cover up the fact that every cafe in the city is constantly blasting songs from Now That’s What I Call Music! 4
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
Man, how coked up was the guy that came up with teenage mutant ninja turtles
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry