Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
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How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
okay actually I asked them about this because I legit needed keys cut, so I said excitedly “oh do you all do key cutting???” and the cashier was like 😐 “no???” and I was like “then why do you have this sign then??” and he just shrugged and looked at me like I was the crazy one!!
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
if a baby cow is a calf then a baby horse should be a half ok thank you i won’t be fielding anymore questions at this time.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
it was a valiant fight
