Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…

Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.

Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.

Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.

guy at the gym: hey can you spot me

me: ya you’re not even hiding

Quotes to calm an angry woman:

1. Stress makes you fat.

2. My ex never acted like that.

3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.

Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.

Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.

My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.

Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.

Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved

*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*

The waitress at my favorite restaurant is so funny. She’s always saying things like “stop calling me a waitress” and “your father and I think it’s time you moved out.”

Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?

6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken

😳

Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”

thought we’d see more kids named goku by now

Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.

Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany

You can buy a family sized shawarma platter it’s okay they don’t even check

I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka

Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.

[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen

MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.

me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel

also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti

No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED

Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!

Sir I-

[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho

I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no

I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.