Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.

You’ve trained your whole life for this.

Take the shot.

Kill the moon.

Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you

Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.

What level of hell is this?

Robocop’s guns malfunction.

Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.

Robocop loses his home.

Hobocop.

what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect

Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.

Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why

me: how much for the wireless mouse?

pet store employee: that’s a hamster

Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.

BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*

CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*

B: SHIT

ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*

Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.

I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.

An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road

*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*

“Oh no! My research!!”

My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.

I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.

there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win

[car dealership]

“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”

fred flintstone: i’ll take it!

I wish other people my age weren’t so old.

When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?

townsfolk: you should come to the festival

me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?

townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?

me: oh i’m going regardless

I ordered a pizza.

I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.

Is it free if it’s 5 years late?

During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her

My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.

I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.

WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough

Tuesdays are the worst so here is the funniest video of all time

Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.

Effort made

I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.