Bootstraps
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DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
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My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Have kids, they said
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Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.