Bootstraps
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ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
In my 20’s: jingle all the way!
In my 40’s: jingle til around six thirty
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.