Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.

Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.

Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.

“jogging gives me endorphins”

so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.

Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.

If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies

me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes

anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer

I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.

Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?

Me: Well vampires don’t exis-

Boy: Can you beat a black hole?

Me: A black hole is-

Boy: A rhino?

Me: The thi-

Boy: A T-Rex?

Me: Wel-

Boy: Mike’s dad?

Me: Yes.

Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”

If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.

[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]

me: [putting socks on after sex]

her: now you have two pairs on

Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.

Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?

Roman: Just the one, thanks

how to market bottled water to dads

I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.

He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”

Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.

Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.

I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.

When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me

Waitress shouted after me for not paying and like an idiot I said, “you too!”

[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*

just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father

ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.

ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..

superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling

batman: dude, you can fly…

superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder

batman: what

me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.

my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?

KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk

ME: but this tree is so tiny

Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.

*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*